Tag: Relationships

Speaking the Language of Love

IMG_4034Ah, love is in the air! This Valentine’s Day, Americans are expected to spend nearly $3 billion helping Cupid shoot his arrow into the hearts of those we love. That’s a whole lot of flowers and chocolate, but what if our loved ones really just want us to hold their hand, say those three little words or unload the dishwasher?

Thirty years ago marriage counselor Gary Chapman wrote a best-selling book called The 5 Love Languages. The book has sold more than 20 million copies worldwide and has been translated into 50 different languages. Chapman believes everyone gives and receives love in different ways. He asserts that we all speak one of five specific love languages and that to create loving long-lasting relationships, we must learn to speak each other’s language.

Chapman’s five love languages include words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch. His theory applies to all relationships including those with friends, parents, children, siblings and even co-workers. Here’s a brief description of each love language ~

Love Language #1 Words of Affirmation ~ This language uses words to affirm other people. Verbal compliments and words of appreciation are powerful communicators of love. Chapman says they are best expressed in simple, straightforward statements of affirmation. For example you might take the time to sincerely say, “I appreciate the time you took to put together our family reunion. You did a great job.”

Love Language #2 Quality Time ~ This language is all about giving the other person your undivided attention. Chapman explains the concept means giving someone your full attention while wholeheartedly doing something they enjoy. This might mean going with them to a concert, movie or sporting event, even if that’s not your favorite thing to do.

Love Language #3 Receiving Gifts ~ For some people, receiving a heartfelt gift is what makes them feel most loved. Chapman writes, “Gifts are visual symbols of love.” The gift need not be expensive. What’s important is that you thought of that person. The gift is a tangible expression of that thoughtfulness.

Love Language #4 Acts of Service ~ For these people, actions speak louder than words. By this, Chapman means doing something for someone that lightens their load. Such actions might include cooking a meal, filling the car with gas, helping a child with homework or mowing the lawn. Chapman writes these acts of service “require thought, planning, time, effort and energy. If done with a positive spirit, they are indeed expressions of love.”

Love Language #5 Physical Touch ~ To this person, nothing speaks more deeply than a caring touch. Research shows babies who are held and cuddled develop a healthier emotional life than those who don’t receive physical contact. Many individuals feel unloved without physical touch.

If you are interested in knowing more about Gary Chapman’s work with love languages, go to 5lovelanguages.com. There you will find a love language quiz as well as other resources. By learning to recognize these preferences in ourself and those we love, we can identify the root of conflicts, connect more profoundly, and grow more loving relationships.

Before you spend the average $175 on a Valentine’s Day gift this week, consider your recipient’s love language. Maybe she really will swoon over that five-foot stuffed Teddy bear, but then again maybe she’d just like you to take out the trash. §

“The number of ways to express love within a love language is limited only by your imagination.”
~ Dr. Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages

The Elegance of Wordle

IMG_1609Do you Wordle? If you’re not sure, let me explain. Wordle is an extremely popular web-based word game. Each day, players get six chances to figure out the secret word. There’s something about this game that’s nearly the definition of elegance ~  simple, smart, and tasteful.

In case you haven’t played Wordle, here is the objective. Each of the six guesses must be a valid five-letter word. After typing and submitting a word, the color of the letters’ squares change to help the player get closer to figuring out the word for the day.

The story of Wordle is sweet and simple. It was created and developed by a software engineer named Josh Wardle. (See what he did there?) He actually created the game for his girlfriend to play during the pandemic. He soon discovered his whole family loved it, so he released it free to the public in October, 2021. Two months later, more than 300,000 people were playing, and millions of people now play the game every day.

The design of Wordle is refreshingly clean and simple. There are no bells and whistles, no busy graphics, and no advertisements. I find its lack of visual and auditory clutter a nice way to ease myself into the world each morning. Playing the game couldn’t be easier, although it can be deceptively difficult. There’s only one new game a day, which prevents people from becoming too obsessive about it.

According to neuroscientist Michael Yassa, PhD, playing the game can be good for the brain. He said it activates dopamine, the transmitter linked with pleasure, satisfaction, and motivation. Wordle can also get your problem-solving skills going, he said.

“Anything that causes a high level of engagement, something that engages memory and problem-solving, is good for your brain and will strengthen those processes in your brain,” said professor of neuroscience Earl Miller, PhD. “Your brain is like a muscle, and the more you use it the better it gets at doing things.”

Playing the game can also improve positive social interaction. The daily Wordle offers something intelligent to talk about with other players that isn’t tainted with politics, innuendo, or other possible divisiveness. It’s kind of like the weather, but more interesting. According to Yassa, when we have positive interactions with others, there’s more release of dopamine, along with oxytocin, a hormone linked to empathy, trust, and relationship-building.

I’m not on social media, where Wordlers can brag about their game without giving away the secret word, but I’m not above taking a picture of a good game and texting it to my husband across the breakfast table. The game can promote healthy competition and good clean fun with daily bragging rights.

The New York Times purchased Wordle in 2022 for a price in the low seven figures, according to the publishing company. The Times has said the game will initially remain free. For now, anyone can go to http://www.nytimes/wordle.com to play for free. Do be careful, there are plenty of ruthless copycats out there.

I’m not usually one to join the latest fad, but Wordle is one viral trend I’m glad to have found. Starting my day with the elegance of Wordle makes me weepy, jumpy, sappy, happy! §

“I have no idea what Wordle is and at this point I’m too afraid to ask!” 
~ Viral Tweet 

The Elegance of Gratitude This Holiday Season

As we head into the most wonderful time of the year, we can’t help but recall this time last year when a pandemic put the kibosh to most of our holiday traditions and celebrations. On Thanksgiving 2020, my husband was in the kitchen preparing a feast for two, while I fretted like a turkey in November.

The Coronavirus was affecting each of our four grown children in different ways, and there was nothing I could do to help. My mother, a widow, was experiencing health problems, and I was worried about her living alone four hours away in southern Illinois. I gazed out the window and smiled at the sight of a mama fox and her baby happily trotting through the frosty woods, blissfully oblivious to the worries of the day. 

I jumped up and darted to the kitchen, licked a finger-full of mashed potatoes, and grabbed an empty jelly jar. I tied a festive red and green ribbon on it and added a tag that read, “Gratitude Jar 2020”. Then I cut dozens of small slips of paper. The plan was for my husband and me to secretly write something we were grateful for and drop it in the jar each day from Thanksgiving until the end of the year. We would read our entries together on New Year’s Eve. 

A couple of days later, my mom had a stroke. Thankfully, she recovered well, but I spent all of December with her, first from the hospital parking lot (as visitors weren’t allowed to go inside) and then in her apartment. I went back home to Indiana on New Year’s Eve to help my husband pack up our house. We had made the quick and necessary decision to sell our cabin and buy a house in our hometown so my mother could safely live with us. 

As I hastily packed box after box, I saw the Gratitude Jar sitting on the kitchen counter. To my surprise, it was filled with tiny slips of paper! I took an envelope out of my purse and added 31 more slips to the jar. Though we’d been apart and hadn’t said a word about it, both my husband and I had continued to write down things for which we were thankful. 

I’d like to say we read the entries from our Gratitude Jar at the stroke of midnight on New Year’s Eve, but we were asleep by 9:30. On New Year’s Day, we pulled each piece of paper from the jar and read it out loud.

Many of our entries expressed thanks for my mother’s recovery and for the doctors and nurses during such a difficult time. Several were about simple things in nature such as a beautiful sunrise, a bird at the feeder, or a peaceful snowfall. Some showed gratitude for our children’s resilience in facing their challenges. Others revealed our appreciation for each other. 

For most of us, 2020 is a blur filled with varying degrees of trials and tribulations. Yet through it all, there were always glimmers of hope and happiness. Never was Dr. Suess’s message in his story How the Grinch Stole Christmas so true. 

“It came without ribbons! It came without tags! It came without packages, boxes, or bags! Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before. ‘Maybe Christmas,’ he thought, ‘doesn’t come from a store. Maybe Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.'”

Theodor Seuss Geisel

Before we get too caught up in the renewed holiday frenzy of decorating, shopping, and merry-making, let’s remember what 2020 taught us. Underneath all the tinsel and trimming, lies the season’s faithful and enduring gifts of beauty, peace, and love. I have already assembled our 2021 Gratitude Jar with the intention of being reminded throughout this holiday season of the simple elegance of gratitude. §

“Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.”
~ William Arthur Ward

The Perfect Holiday Gift – 11 ways to give our presence (even from a distance)

The past three years, my husband and I have lived deep in the woods where cell phone service is spotty at best. There’s only one place in our home where I can reliably get a good signal. No more chatting while I unload the dishwasher, cook dinner, or put away laundry. To avoid the frustration of a dropped call, I must sit down and simply converse. The situation has forced me to experience the joy of being present.

This holiday season, most people need our presence more than our presents. Though it will probably be from a distance, being present offers the gift of our most precious time, energy, and attention.

11 ways to give our presence this holiday season ~

1. Let Go of Expectations. Even without a pandemic, the holiday season can struggle to live up to our commercially-driven expectations and standards. This year, instead of thinking how we wish things were, let’s focus on enjoying life exactly as it is.

2. Reach Out. Because of the virus, many people will spend the holidays alone. While we might be tempted to pull the covers over our head until next year, we need to reach out to people. A cheerful conversation remembering old times and looking ahead can do wonders for everyone’s spirit.

3. Really Listen. Often when someone is talking, we’re waiting to get in our two cents. Conversations require some back and forth, but don’t be afraid of a little silence. Instead of thinking of our response, we can take that time to process what was said and respond by asking questions and clarifying the other person’s words.

4. Pay Close Attention. Sometimes we get so caught up in our own world we don’t really see the people we care about. Taking time to notice subtle, non-verbal communication helps us understand other people’s feelings and gives us a chance to offer genuine compassion and empathy.

5. Cut Out Distractions. We all know the feeling of talking to someone who is clearly focused on something more important than your conversation. To really connect with someone, we must eliminate distractions so we can give them the gift of our full attention.

6. Dive Deep. This year we won’t be attending any big holiday parties where small talk is most appropriate. Take advantage of smaller gatherings and phone calls to enjoy some conversation that goes beyond the weather and typical surface exchanges.

7. Make Eye-Contact. At least those annoying masks don’t cover our eyes. Looking at others warmly shows we are engaged and interested. Whether meeting in-person, on Facetime, or a Zoom call, eye contact is a powerful way to demonstrate our care and respect.

8. Choose Mindful Activities. There’s nothing wrong with having a family movie night, but it might not be the best way to spend quality time. Try taking a walk together, playing a game, making a craft, or just talking over some hot chocolate.

9. Tune-In to the Senses. One of the best ways to immediately be more present is to become aware of our senses. Focusing on what we see, hear, taste, smell, and feel can get us out of our heads and into the moment. Twinkling lights, holiday music, a glowing fire, and delicious treats are all sure ways to enjoy being present.

10. Lend a Hand. If we listen and pay attention, we often find there is something we can do to help others. When at our home, both of our sons-in-law are wonderful at noticing what needs to be done and quietly doing it. Our presence is always appreciated when we lighten the load for someone else.

11. Give Love. It’s been a long year, and we’re all worn out by such unprecedented events. The gift of our presence is a sincere and thoughtful way to put more love into the world this holiday season, and that’s a gift everybody can use. §

Question of the Week: What tip do you have for being more present with yourself or others? Please share your thoughts in the comment section. Wishing you a week filled with holiday presence. Merry Christmas!

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The Man in the Moon

The August moon is full and bright on the night of my father’s birthday. I miss him even more than usual, and the gossamer glow both increases and soothes my melancholy.

Gazing at the mysterious moon in the still of the night, I imagine Claude Debussy’s piano classic Claire de Lune quietly playing in the background as a perfect accompaniment to my bittersweet emotions.

Claire de Lune, meaning moonlight, is one of the most well-known and beloved piano pieces of all time. It is the third and most famous movement of Debussy’s 1890 Suite Bergamasque. In a spirit of creative cooperation, Debussy was inspired by Paul Verlaine’s poem Claire de Lune which was inspired by the moon itself.

Whether or not you speak French, doesn’t this poem sound lovely? Et leur chanson se mele au clair de lune. Au calme clair de lune triste et beau. These lines from Verlaine’s poem are translated to mean, And their song blends with the moonlight. With the sad and beautiful moonlight. 

Triste et beau. Sad and beautiful. Yes, those two words do strike a chord. I’m in awe and appreciation of nature’s ability to inspire masterpieces that express our seemingly inexpressible emotions. Both nature and art make us feel less alone and connect us through a timeless shared humanity.

My mind travels back to a moonlit evening many years ago. My handsome young father is at the piano plucking out chords and humming a tune. He had an ear for music and could find the notes to any song he heard. My sisters and I gather around him in our nightgowns, squeaky clean from evening baths, and sing together for at least an hour before dreamily floating off to bed.

Looking up at the full moon this evening, I wish my dad a happy birthday. Silhouetted against a heavenly circle of light is the man in the moon. He is sitting at a piano elegantly playing Claire de Lune. §

100 Ways to Lighten Up

It’s summertime, and the living is easy. We feel lighter, brighter and a little more relaxed than the rest of the year. Beautiful weather lures us outdoors. Day trips and vacations offer rest and reconnection. Butterflies, flowers, hummingbirds and lightning bugs decorate life with color and joy. While we do our best to squeeze out every drop of summer, here are 100 easy ideas to help us keep a sunny vibe long after the season fades away.

Lighten Up in Nature ~ 1. Spend time outdoors every day.  2. Watch a squirrel’s funny antics. 3. Listen to birds sing.  4. Watch the sunrise or sunset.  5. Dine alfresco.  6. Feel the wind in your hair.  7. Take a hike.  8. Wish upon the first evening star.  9. Pet an animal.  10. Stay in awe of our wonderful world.

Lighten Up Your Home ~ 11. Arrange a vase of fresh flowers.  12. Clean so it sparkles.  13. Let the sun shine in.  14. Give away 10 (or 100) things.  15. Light a candle.  16. Add a pop of color.  17. Play cheerful music. 18. Put everything in its place.  19. Make sure it smells fresh.  20. Fill your home with positive energy and love.

Lighten Up in Mind & Spirit ~ 21. Take several deep, slow breaths. 22. Limit news and social media.  23. Practice yoga.  24. Stop trying to figure it all out.  25. Spend some time alone.  26. Meditate and pray.  27. Read something uplifting.  28. Avoid negativity.  29. Write down the problem and list some solutions.  30. Have faith.

Lighten Up Your Relationships ~ 31. Be fully present.  32. Be responsible for your own happiness.  33. Put down your phone.  34. Give good hugs.  35. Agree to disagree sometimes. 36. Have fun together. 37. Forgive.  38. Accept each others’ quirks.  39. Don’t gossip.  40. Be a fountain, not a drain.

Lighten Up Your Wardrobe ~ 41. Be comfortable.  42. Add a jaunty accessory.  43. Develop a personal style.  44. Have a small wardrobe you love.  45. If it’s shabby or drab, get rid of it.  46. If you don’t wear it, pass it on. 47. Forget about trends.  48. Have a signature color.  49. Choose easy-care clothing.  50. Feel radiant in everything you wear.

Lighten Up with Healthy Habits ~ 51. Eat for energy.  52. Drink plenty of water.  53. Bend and stretch.  54. Go to bed early.  55. Move with a spring in your step. 56. Get a massage.  57. Go for yearly check-ups.  58. Quit unhealthy behavior.  59. Unplug. 60. Be grateful for what your body can do.

Lighten Up Your Beauty Routine ~  61. Wake up with a cool shower. 62. Wind down with a warm bubble bath. 63. Decide to age gracefully. 64. Find an easy hair-do. 65. Follow a simple skin care regimen.  66. Keep makeup and perfume light and fresh.  67. Don’t over-do anything. 68. Be skeptical of advertising. 69. Remember, beauty is an inside job. 70. And hope doesn’t come in a jar.

Lighten Up with Good, Clean Fun ~ 71. Dance.  72. Tell a silly joke.  73. Re-read a favorite children’s novel.  74. Go bowling or rollerskating.  75. Play a board game.  76. Bake cookies for the neighbors.  77. Sing your heart out.  78. Draw, paint or color a picture.  79. Watch a G-rated movie.  80. Put up your feet and do nothing.

Lighten Up in Your Community ~  81. Do your job with a cheerful heart.  82. Smile at everyone.  83. Be nice.  84. Be a courteous driver. 85. Keep a sense of humor.  86. Be a good role model.  87. Don’t take it personally.  88. Lend a hand.  89. Remember your manners, even if everyone else forgets. 90. Quietly adopt one cause you believe in.

Lighten Up with Words of Wisdom ~  91. Life’s too mysterious to take too serious. ~Mary Englebreit 92. Think happy thoughts. ~Peter Pan  93. The Serenity Prayer ~Reinhold Niebuhr  94. Nothing can dim the light that shines from within. ~Maya Angelou 95. This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine. ~Gospel Hymn 96. Leave everything you do, every place you go, everything you touch a little better for your having been there. ~Julie Andrews 97. Those who bring sunshine into the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves. ~J.M. Barrie  98. Let your light shine before others. ~Matthew 5:16  99. Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see a shadow. ~Helen Keller 100. Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. ~Martin Luther King, Jr. §

 

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