Month: August 2022

“13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do” ~ a Book Review

 

I picked up Amy Morin’s book because of the title, 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do. I bought it because of the dedication on the first page, “To all who strive to become better today than they were yesterday.” I do believe living an elegant life includes a desire to be our best, and it all starts in our minds.

Morin, a licensed clinical social worker, college psychology instructor, and psychotherapist, published 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do in 2014. It’s a book I take from my shelf time and again. Sometimes I just need a quick reminder of the thirteen don’ts. Other times, I settle in for a deep-dive into one of the lessons. (I’ve practically memorized Chapter 5; the struggle is real!)  

The 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do ~

  1. They don’t waste time feeling sorry for themselves.
  2. They don’t give away their power.
  3. They don’t shy away from change.
  4. They don’t focus on things they can’t control.
  5. They don’t worry about pleasing everyone.
  6. They don’t fear taking calculated risks.
  7. They don’t dwell on the past.
  8. They don’t make the same mistakes over and over.
  9. They don’t resent other people’s success.
  10. They don’t give up after the first failure
  11. They don’t fear alone time.
  12. They don’t feel the world owes them anything.
  13. They don’t expect immediate results. 

Each chapter fully examines the idea and gives strategies for developing more positive thoughts and behavior in everyday situations. In the conclusion, Morin writes that mental strength isn’t about being the best at everything, earning the most money, or achieving the biggest accomplishments.

“Instead, developing mental strength means knowing that you’ll be okay no matter what happens,” she writes. “When you become mentally strong, you will be your best self, have the courage to do what’s right, and develop a true comfort with who you are and what you are capable of achieving.” §

“Developing mental strength is about improving your ability to regulate your emotions, manage your thoughts, and behave in a positive manner, despite your circumstances.”
~Amy Morin

 

The Elegance of Soft Skills

Employees who possess soft skills are highly valued in the workplace. Soft skills can be defined as personal attributes that enable us to interact effectively and harmoniously with other people. In a 2021 report from Linkedin, 92 percent of hiring professionals said soft skills matter as much or more than hard skills, such as degrees and specific proficiencies. As much as soft skills are beneficial in the business world, they are equally essential for a happy life outside of work. 

There is no single definitive list of soft skills, but it usually includes things like kindness, teamwork, and honesty. Apparently soft skills are so lacking in the workplace, that companies are willing to spend a lot of money each year teaching them. The global soft skills training market is expected to reach around 43 billion dollars a year by 2026.

One can hardly discuss soft skills without wondering why these traits are so hard to come by. Perhaps they used to be more widely taught in homes and churches. Maybe community leaders are failing to lead by example. It could be a result of increased technology and social media. Some might find fault with the schools. 

Interestingly, I started teaching in 1985 when junior highs across the country were transitioning to middle schools. This wasn’t just a new name. The middle school philosophy placed enormous emphasis on the emotional and social development of students in grades six through eight. An integral part of the middle school concept was a daily thirty-minute period focusing on affective education, in other words, soft skills. When I retired thirty years later, most middle schools had abandoned that part of the curriculum in what I saw as a response to heightened concern about yearly test scores. After all, there’s only so much time within a school day. 

There are probably multiple reasons our society is failing to foster the proper development of soft skills, and we might all share a little of the blame. Like anything, if we’d like to see a change, we can start with the man in the mirror. Being more aware of our own soft skills could start a spark that spreads to others. 

It is notable that many business people don’t like the term soft skills. Some prefer to call them interpersonal skills. Seth Godin calls them real skills. Simon Sinek likes the term human skills. I tend to think we are simply talking about good manners. In a review of more than a dozen articles, these ten ideas were repeatedly suggested to improve our soft skills.

  1. Be a good listener.
  2. Be positive.
  3. Be friendly and avoid gossip.
  4. Pay attention to body language.
  5. Be a problem-solver.
  6. Speak clearly.
  7. Be punctual.
  8. Show integrity by having strong moral principles.
  9. Manage conflict in healthy ways. 
  10. Show empathy. 

Whether we practice these skills at work, home, or wherever life take us, soft skills can go a long way in increasing everyday elegance. §

“There is no accomplishment so easy to acquire as politeness, and none more profitable.”
~ George Bernard Shaw

Back-to-School Poem ~ “Sharp”

This poem is dedicated to our grandson, Hudson, who is excited about second grade and just a little worried about learning multiplication. 

Sharp
by Alicia Woodward

new yellow no. 2
meets metal sharpener
a tiny hand turns the crank 

simple wood and graphite   
hold lessons of the past 
and dreams of the future

an elegant invention
for a lifetime of
silvery etchings 

letters and words
facts and figures
thoughts and ideas

the other end a reminder
mistakes are expected
that’s how we learn §

“Everybody makes mistakes, that’s why they put erasers on pencils.”
~Tommy Lasorda

The Elegance of Sympatheia

A television news anchor broke down in tears while interviewing a Ukrainian father whose wife and two children were killed while trying to escape their city under siege. I know I’m not the only viewer who wept with them. In that moment, we were experiencing what the ancient Greeks called sympatheia, an elegant concept that all things are mutually woven together and have an affinity for each other.

Sympatheia reminds us we are part of something much bigger than ourselves. You’ve probably seen a photo called The Blue Marble. It is an image of Earth taken fifty years ago by the Apollo 17 crew on their way to the Moon. It was shot 18,000 miles from our planet and is one of the most reproduced images in history. About the photo, astronomer Carl Sagan said, “There is perhaps no better a demonstration of the folly of human conceits than this distant image of our tiny world.” 

This summer the James Webb Space Telescope, a 10 billion dollar satellite located a million miles away, is sending us celestial images I can barely fathom. According to NASA, the very faintest blips of light in the photos are of galaxies as they existed more than 13 billion years ago. The images confirm for me that we are part of an incomprehensibly elegant universe. 

Maybe you’ve had a similar feeling standing on the ocean shore, on the rim of the Grand Canyon, or under a million stars in the vast night sky. This oceanic feeling happens when we allow ourselves to have a zoomed-out perspective. It’s then we experience a feeling of awe and realization that we are very small, but part of something incomprehensibly big.  

Stoic philosophy is rooted in the concept of sympatheia. Roman emperor Marcus Aurelius wrote, “Meditate often on the interconnectedness and mutual interdependence of all things in the universe.” The Stoics understood we are essentially all the same. We all suffer and cry, love and laugh, live and die. Sympatheia allows us to understand that our actions affect one another. 

Ryan Holiday, author and host of the podcast The Daily Stoic said, “We are all unified and share the same substance. We breathe the same air. We share the same hopes and dreams. We are all descended from the same. And this is true no matter what race you are, no matter where you come from, or what you believe.” 

My guess is sympatheia doesn’t come naturally to our selfish egos. Of course, we look out for number one. We probably care about family and those immediately around us. We might even feel a duty to those who look like us, live like us, and think like us. Sympatheia takes some work. 

If we contemplate the photos coming to us from the James Webb Telescope and hold that zoomed-out perspective, our connection and responsibility grow. We can see we are part of an interconnected world, where everything and everyone is united in a delicate relationship. It is this connection to each other that can push us to be and do what’s good, not just for a part, but for the whole.

Aurelius wrote, “The universe made rational creatures for the sake of each other, with an eye toward mutual benefit and never for harm.” In the big picture, our differences are insignificant. What unites us is our sameness. Our universe, our planet, and our humanity depend on the elegance of sympatheia. §

“That which is not good for the bee-hive, cannot be good for the bees.”
~Marcus Aurelius

The Elegance of Quality Over Quantity

The famous oil painting known as Girl with a Pearl Earring, by Johannes Vermeer, features a young woman wearing an exquisite earring. Her bare face and turban-wrapped hair bring focus to the pearl earring and the simple beauty and elegance of the girl. 

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I think of my own jewelry box and note the painting is not named Girl with a Bunch of Cheap Earrings. My jewelry is just one area that I could apply the concept of quality over quantity.

Quality can be defined as the standard of something as measured against other things of its kind. For example, one could indulge in a single luscious Godiva chocolate or a whole bag of check-out counter candy. Quality over quantity means choosing better over more. 

We don’t live in a time that supports this lifestyle. Fast food means we can eat a big greasy meal for less than the tip at a sit-down restaurant. Fast fashion means we can own ten trendy shirts for the cost of one well-made one. We can get the kids a cartful of plastic toys from the dollar aisle, or one classic board game. 

There are many good reasons to adopt the idea of quality over quantity. It reduces clutter. It’s more sustainable for the planet. It saves money in the long run. It honors fine craftsmanship and design. It helps us gain more clarity about our personal preferences. 

I’ve long understood the wisdom of quality over quantity, but glancing around my bathroom, I see evidence to the contrary. There’s a shelf of half-empty bottles of hair and skin products that didn’t live up to their promise. There’s a drawerful of makeup that might look good on someone else. There’s a basket of gloppy nail polish I’ll never wear.

I’m committed to eliminating the clutter, forgiving myself for the waste, and finding the best version of the products I truly want and need. Here are just a few areas where we can more consciously apply the concept of quality over quantity: 

  • clothing and accessories
  • food and pantry items
  • furnishings and home decor
  • cleaning products
  • books and magazines
  • toys and games

Quality over quantity doesn’t just apply to material things. We can think about quality when choosing our activities, our entertainment, our relationships, our leaders, our conversations, and even our thoughts.

I recently read an anonymous quote that made me sad. It said, “People who aren’t used to quality always chase quantity.” Quality has become a unicorn. It does not seem to rank high on our collective list of values, but we can reclaim it. We can return to the elegance of expecting and choosing quality over quantity. §

“It is quality rather than quantity that matters.”
~Seneca

Note to Subscribers: If this essay seems familiar, thank you for noticing! It is a revision of an earlier blog post that I finally got around to running in my newspaper column this weekend. It can be a juggle to get them coordinated. In case you’re curious, my Sunday posts usually appear in my column, Everyday Elegance, in the weekend edition of the Southern Illinoisan. My Wednesday posts are a bit more personal and written for subscribers of The Simple Swan. Thank you very much for reading! ~ Alicia

Elegance in the Classroom & Beyond

It’s that time of year when I dearly miss the excitement of going back to school. I loved school so much that I became a teacher myself. For nearly thirty years, I taught literature, language arts, and social studies to middle school students. I went into teaching understanding the power of knowledge, but it was in my classroom I discovered the power of elegance.

Over the years, I learned how simple elegant touches, such as a vase of fresh flowers, well-organized spaces, and a warm smile, could dramatically improve the academic performance, behavior, and well-being of everyone who entered my classroom.

My simple theory is this – if attention to elegance can so positively affect a middle school classroom, it can have a similar impact on our personal lives, our communities, and our world.

There were four words that helped me create an elegant classroom – simple, wise, attractive, and nice. These words just happen to form an acronym for the word swan. Let’s look at these words and consider how they can be applied to any community, not just a classroom.

Simple – Chaos can reign in a classroom, but there are ways to bring more calm and serenity. In the same way, simplicity can be achieved in any home, small business, or large corporation. Organization and tranquility can lead to better outcomes. Bruce Lee said, “Simplicity is the key to brilliance.”

Wise – No matter our age, every day is a chance to learn something new. We can gain wisdom by reading quality literature, attending lectures, seeking out the arts, trying new things, and listening to others. The more we are individually informed and empowered to make wise decisions, the more elegant our communities will become. Franklin D. Roosevelt said, “The real safeguard of democracy is education.”

Attractive – Attention to beauty is not frivolous or unimportant. Beauty can be inspiring, and an effort to make things more attractive for others can make people feel valued, respected, and motivated. Thomas Jefferson said, “Communities should be planned with an eye to effect on the human spirit of being continually surrounded by a maximum of beauty.”

Nice – Being nice might seem incredibly simple, but it is also incredibly powerful. Just imagine how our communities could benefit from more respectful, tolerant, and polite behavior. Coretta Scott King said, “The greatness of a community is most accurately measured by the compassionate actions of its members.”

If an ordinary middle school classroom, filled with raging pubescent hormones and a diverse population, can benefit from attention to elegance, I believe it can help create more harmony and success in our personal lives and in all of the communities in which we live and work.

My heart is with the teachers as they head back to school this year. The work they do all day, every day is nothing short of miraculous. Classrooms are microcosms of the world at large, and the ability to create a culture of excellence and elegance within those walls can be an inspiration for us all. §

“I realized if you can change a classroom, you can change a community, and if you change enough communities you can change the world.”
Erin Gruwell, teacher who inspired the 2007 movie Freedom Writers

The Elegance of Splooting ~ squirrels teach how to chill out

One day this summer when the temperature pushed a hundred, I looked outside and saw a squirrel lying face-down, spread eagle under an umbrella on our patio table. I opened the kitchen door to see if the little guy was okay. He didn’t move but blinked his eyes slowly as if to say, “It’s hot, lady. Leave me alone.” A few days later, I read that squirrels all over the country were reacting to the heat wave with an innate behavior called splooting. 

Splooting is a type of stretch four-legged animals do to rest and cool down. You’ve probably seen a dog or cat do it, but it is surprising to see a squirrel, usually scurrying about like crazy, be so still. I’ve since seen several of the squirrels I feed each morning lie oddly motionless with their bellies flat on a cool, shady surface to help lower their body temperature. 

Leave it to nature to come up with something so wise and elegant as splooting. We could all take notes from the squirrels who instinctively know when it’s time to be still for their own self-preservation. 

In our fired up, sped up world, it seems like most of us could use some splooting to simmer down, rest, and recharge. I suppose that’s why many people turn to meditation, silent retreats, and yoga. Splooting does sound a little like an ancient yoga pose. A few minutes in a sploot, could be as restorative as the child’s pose, corpse pose, or pigeon pose I’ve learned in yoga classes.  

In his book, The Art of Stillness: Adventures in Going Nowhere, Pico Iyer writes, “In an age of speed, I began to think, nothing could be more invigorating than going slow. In an age of distraction, nothing can feel more luxurious than paying attention. And in an age of constant movement, nothing is more urgent than sitting still.” 

Another book seemingly inspired by the squirrel’s sploot, is called Stillness is the Key: An Ancient Strategy for Modern Life by Ryan Holiday. He writes, “Stillness is the key to the self-mastery, discipline, and focus necessary to succeed in this competitive, noisy world.” 

The art of stillness can have many names. For squirrels, it’s splooting. Stoics called it atarexia. You might call it prayer, meditation, conscious relaxation, or a nap. Throughout history, some of the world’s greatest thinkers were big believers in the art of stillness. Confucius, Seneca, Jesus, Winston Churchill, Emily Dickinson, and Mr. Rogers were all known to embrace the wisdom and elegance of stillness.  

Thanks to the squirrels’ reminder, I’m paying more attention to the art of stillness. I came home from a long walk on a morning when the temperature soared by eight am. Red-faced and tired, I sprawled out on the living room floor. My husband asked if I was okay. “Yes,” I whispered motionlessly, “I’m just splooting.” §

“Never does nature say one thing and wisdom another.” 
~ Edmund Burke

The Elegance of Little Cat Feet

I think I manifested a cat. For months I’ve known one would find its way to me at just the right time. Last week, I was standing at the kitchen sink when my husband rapped on the window from the back porch and pointed to his feet. A tiny yellow kitten coyly wrapped himself around Mike’s ankles at a moment when his resistance was low. This handsome little guy (named Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice) has filled an empty space in my life. Here is the first of what’s likely to be many poems about him.

Little Cat Feet
by Alicia Woodward

Sandburg wrote this image
on my nine-year-old heart,
“The fog comes in on little cat feet”

Tiny paws now softly sink
into a chest that still longs
for poetry and beauty

They gracefully stretch
in shafts of sunlight and
pulse to a meditative purr

They delicately dance
across the wood floor and
spring to my awaiting lap

Quiet, gentle, elegant
little cat feet
and satin kitten toes §

The line I quoted in the first stanza of this poem is from Fog by Carl Sandburg. It was taught to me by my fourth grade teacher, Mrs. Quinn, and I’ve never forgotten it.

Fog
by Carl Sandburg

The fog comes
in on little cat feet.

It sits looking over harbor and city
on silent haunches
and then moves on. §

“What greater gift than the love of a cat.” 
~ Charles Dickens